


ghosts from long ago

by gracezodiac



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Animal Death, Child Abuse, Dissociation, Flashbacks, Injury, M/M, Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-02
Updated: 2016-11-02
Packaged: 2018-08-28 17:39:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8455714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracezodiac/pseuds/gracezodiac
Summary: All they want to do is forget the past, but the galaxy won't let them.





	

**Author's Note:**

> me: yeah so i'm gonna be busy writing an essay i probably won't be able to get most of these prompts done  
> also me: oh but i haven't done anything for day two and i had this plotted out and it would be such a shame if i didn't...
> 
> haha never fear though i got half of my essay done today so it's all good friends
> 
> anyway yes this is for day 2 of angst november, the prompt being 'memories'
> 
> but yes please heed the tags! this is not a happy fic! the animal death isn't really graphic, but the abuse is a little more so, so please don't go on if that's upsetting for you
> 
> only other warning is that hux throws up at the beginning of the fic
> 
> but yes without further ado, here we go!

“ _Such a striking resemblance!”_

 

“ _Following in his footsteps I see.”_

 

“ _If only he were here...”_

 

“ _You're father would be so proud.”_

 

Hux finally reached his rooms again after returning from the formal function, and proceeded to head straight into the refresher, where he promptly threw up everything he'd been forced to eat that evening.

 

He detested these events. Everything about them was loathsome, from the people to the small talk. He was a military man, had been since birth practically, having to make polite conversation and hear again and again about his father was not something he enjoyed, as proven by the fact that he was now kneeling on the floor throwing his guts up.

 

He could still hear their voices even now, all their comments like small daggers in his back. The only thing he had in common with his father was his hair ( _my eyes, I have my mothers eyes, but none of you would ever care about that_ ), he'd risen far above his father ever could have reached, it was a damned blessing that he wasn't here, and he absolutely, under no circumstance would be proud of him.

 

Hux had learned that the hard way.

 

_Young, full of excitement, he bounded down the hallway to his father's study, eager to share the news with him. A quick rap at the door and then he stepped inside, after hearing his fathers command. “Father.” He nodded, trying to not come across as eager. From across the desk, Brendol stared up at him with cold, dark eyes, calculating as always._

 

“ _What is it boy?” He spat, not bothering to put his pen down and stop his work._

 

“ _We've just been given our marks, I'm top of the class in marksmanship and survival, sir.”_

 

_At this Brendol began to look somewhat interested in the conversation, leaning back in his chair and staring at his son intently._

 

“ _And what marks would they be?”_

 

_Hux froze for a moment, suddenly feeling nervous. Was that not enough? Why did his father need to know his marks?_

 

“Ninety one, sir.”

 

“ _Ninety one.” Brendol stared at him long and hard, and it took ever ounce of Hux's willpower to stay still and not move. Rising from his chair, Brendol stood up and walked around the desk. Hux kept his eyes forward._

 

“ _You didn't get full marks. I expected better.”_

 

“ _But father-”_

 

_The backhand stung sharply and Hux felt his eyes, as well as his cheek, burn hot as he squeezed them shut._

 

“ _You are to address me as sir, boy, I won't tolerate this disrespect from you. I expected far better Armitage. Now go, get out of my sight.”_

 

_He didn't need to be told twice._

 

_Bastard_ , Hux thought bitterly as he shakily rose to his feet, walking over to the counter-top so he could brush his teeth and get the stale taste out of his mouth. _I am more than you could have ever been._

 

Once he'd rinsed his mouth out he stripped himself of his formal garments so he was just down to his under-shirt and boxers, looking around his room. Millicent was curled up asleep on the end of his bed, and as much as he needed her, he didn't want to wake her. Instead he walked over to his desk and pulled out the bottle of brandy tucked away in one of the drawers, before grabbing a glass to pour himself a drink. It was almost pointless to drink after brushing his teeth, but he didn't care. If it was going to be one of _those_ nights, he wasn't going to sit through it sober.

 

*

 

“ _My apprentice...”_

 

_“So weak...”_

 

“ _Too close to the Light...”_

 

“ _Do not disappoint me again.”_

 

He was weak. Entirely too weak, it was a surprise Snoke hadn't given up on him yet. He should have been better, he could be, he knew he could, so why wasn't he?

 

Ren screamed into the darkness of his rooms, breaking away from his attempt at meditation and punching the floor in fury. The meeting with Supreme Leader had not gone well. Ren had thought he'd been doing everything Snoke wanted, but was painfully put in his place. It hurt, he wasn't sure what he'd been doing wrong, and all he wanted to be was what Snoke wanted him to be. He wanted to prove himself, to show that he was still worthy of Snoke's time.

 

The trouble was, he didn't even know where to start.

 

Snoke was right, he'd felt the Light calling to him more frequently. Currently he felt it in his dreams, sending him memories of Ben to haunt him. When he closed his eyes he could see Ben playing chase with another one of the padawans, running through the trees. He could hear the laughter of the dead boy as he ran ahead, feeling so free and wild. And then the way he stopped when he realised there was no one chasing him anymore. He turned around, looking for his chaser, starting to worry that he'd been abandoned. But then he heard it, the sound of crying.

 

“ _Amelia?” He called out, using the force to try work out where she was. She wasn't too difficult to find, he could feel the hurt and fear she was sending out in waves. He ran over to where he felt her, and saw her curled up against a tree with shredded bloody knees. The sight of her made him begin to panic, worried that it was his fault, worried that everyone would blame him for this. She was trying to stop crying but couldn't, and he wasn't sure what to do._

 

Doesn't she sound so annoying? _The voice in his head whispered._ You could do something about that.

 

_He knew what the voice meant but he didn't want to, he couldn't. Amelia was good to him, she didn't laugh at him and she played wit him. He didn't like seeing her hurt, he didn't._

 

“ _Hey...” He whispered, crouching in front of her, “don't cry. Here, let me help.”_

 

_He wished he could have healed her to make it all go away, but Luke hadn't taught them how to do that yet, even though Ben had thought it was a pretty important thing to know. So instead he slid an arm under the girls knees and around her back and lifted her up so he could carry her. She'd calmed down a little now, whimpering quietly and holding onto Ben as tight as she could._

 

“ _It's okay,” he repeated over and over as he carried her back, “I've got you.”_

 

“No.” Ren whispered back in his own room, shaking his head. “Stop it!”

 

But the Light was unforgiving, and he could feel more memories come to the forefront of his mind.

 

_Ben was crying, as he started running back to the temple to find Luke. In his hands he carried a baby bird that had fallen from a tree, it's wings all crooked and broken. The voice in his head had told him to kill it but he couldn't, it's mother would never know what happened to it, she'd miss it so much. He ran through the corridors of the temple until he found his uncle, who'd been talking to another student. Upon seeing Ben crying, he promised to speak to the other student later and crouched down and asked what was wrong. Struggling to speak through his tears, Ben simply opened his hands to show him the bird._

 

“ _I didn't know what to do!” He blurted out, as Luke examined the small creature. “You have to help me save it Uncle, please, I don't want it to die!”_

 

_And Luke had looked up with such a sad expression that Ben knew it was already too late._

 

“No!” Ren shouted, pulling at his hair and desperately trying to make the visions go away. In a panic he reached out with the force to the rest of the ship, trying to distract himself and find someone peaceful who's mind he could rest in for a while, so he didn't have to stay in his own. He reached out to Hux's quarters, since he was usually so calm and orderly. His mind was the most peaceful to curl up in, and Ren found it soothing, despite how much they bickered normally. But when he'd reached him, Ren was most surprised to find Hux's mind in a state of disarray. He'd never experienced this before, but it was incredibly unnerving to see the General's mind in such a contrast to what it usually was. Curiosity, and maybe even concern made Ren rise to his feet and put on his mask as he began the trek to Hux's rooms.

 

It was partly selfish. To distract from his own demons and see what could possibly cause a man like Hux to go into such a state of meltdown. But he couldn't deny he felt his heart beat quicker in succession as he thought about what a horrible thing it must be. Was Hux being attacked? Surely not but then again... There was no way of knowing until he got there.

 

With that in mind, Ren ending up reaching his destination in half the time it would have usually taken him. He didn't sense any immediate danger from inside, which ruled out any possibilities of an attacker. In light of this, he opted to using the door panel instead of just ripping it open with the force. When he'd first been given Hux's override code, he'd never thought he'd really use it, but now he couldn't help but feel grateful.

 

When he walked in, he wasn't expecting Hux to be in such a state of undress. He was still partly clothed, but he looked like hell. He was sat at his desk with an open bottle of what Ren presumed was some sort of alcohol, staring mindlessly out of the viewport in completely silence. Ren slowly approached, letting the doors shut with a hiss behind him.

 

It was as though Hux hadn't even noticed him. Ren took his helmet off, wondering if the noise of the locking mechanism would snap Hux out of it, but it didn't. Tentatively, seeing as though Ren still wasn't sure what was wrong, he pressed at the front of Hux's mind hoping to find some clues. At first he wasn't sure what he was looking at, vague flashes and impressions, but once he saw the imprint of a hand on a young boy's face, it all became very clear.

 

Ren withdrew, knowing that if Hux was in his right mind he wouldn't want him seeing any of this. He wasn't sure whether to turn around and head back to his own rooms, or stay and make sure Hux didn't do anything stupid. He doubted the General would, but in the state he was in, Ren didn't want to take any chances. So instead he sat down on the floor next to him, not taking his eyes away from him for even a second.

 

It was a long time before Hux did anything. When he finally moved, it wasn't even to acknowledge Ren at first, but to pour himself some more brandy. He hesitated for a second, and then procured another glass from a drawer in his desk and filled that one up too. He finally turned around and looked at Kylo, offering the glass out to him. Ren accepted it, although he wasn't particularly used to drinking.

 

Hux didn't explain himself, and Ren didn't ask. All they did was sit there, slowly sipping from their glasses. Ren thought idly, as he finished his drink, that it was the most civil they'd ever been to each other. But he could see now that he wasn't the only one with demons in his mind, and secrets from a past long ago.

 

He knew they wouldn't talk about this when morning came. When the bottle was done, Ren would make sure Hux had gone to bed, then he'd return to his own rooms. When the next shift started, they'd be back to themselves as usual, or at least Hux would. He'd never mention it to Kylo, never even hint that they'd shared this night together. Ren wasn't quite sure how to feel about that.

 

But that was an issue for tomorrow. Right then, all that mattered was getting to the end of the bottle.

 

Maybe they'd find some answers there.

 

**Author's Note:**

> this is longer than what i've written for my essay so far and i got it done in a third of the time i'm despicable
> 
> as always you can find me at [skywalkeraesthetics](http://www.skywalkeraesthetics.tumblr.com)
> 
> please leave comments if you can!! and have a lovely day!!!


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